To kick things off, here is the first movie review I posted to the Media Blitzkrieg website back on April 7th, 2001:
“I’m sure by now that most of you out there have seen the American attempt at Godzilla, Godzilla ’98 (as I call it, to keep it from being confused with the true Godzilla movies).
I have only one question: What the fuck went wrong?
I mean really, what was that incredible piece of shit that I wasted my 5 bucks on (that’s close to what tickets cost back home when it came out)?
The script (the one we didn’t see on the screen) was written by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio. I’ve just finished reading the final draft of this script and IT ROCKS. Honestly, see for yourself (if you can still find the script online).
I think I know what went wrong between the script stage and the screen, I’ll try and break it down for you.
First and foremost, there were problems finding a director. From what I’ve heard, Jan Du Bont was originally going to do it with Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt. He decided not to and took his talent to another big budget, special effects, man versus big fucking unstoppable natural force movie Twister (a movie which I think was fairly decent).
Many other directors were considered until Roland Emmerich came upon the film (y’know, the Independence Day schmuck). He said yeah and that’s when the film went to shit.
And why is that you ask? Hmm, it might have something to do with a guy named Matthew Broderick (Bueller, Bueller, Bueller). Now I have nothing against Broderick (hell, I even liked Inspector Gadget), but what the fuck was he doing in a Godzilla movie? He belongs in comedies and family oriented movies, not big budget action/adventure films (he ain’t no Ahnold ya know).
The rest of the cast was kinda weak too. There were two bright points in the cast; Hank Azaria (Mystery Men,Mad About You, every other voice in The Simpsons), and Jean Reno (Mission Impossible,Leon: The Professional, and most recently Just Visiting). Hank Azaria is great for comic relief. He’s hilarious and is a great voice guy (it’s hard to know what he really sounds like). And Jean Reno is just fucking awesome! He’s a great actor, and he stole every scene from Broderick (“I’m in insurance,” sure ya are).
Whoever reworked the story for Godzilla ’98 should be taken out into the streets of Japan and stomped by the REAL Godzilla.
What the fuck was all that scientific explanation? We don’t need it you fuckin’ dumbass! It’s a Godzilla movie for chrissakes (science is just a formality in Godzilla, everybody knows that)! AND SINCE WHEN DOES GODZILLA LAY FUCKING EGGS!!!
I can almost imagine the studio when they read that (sniff, sniff, I smell sequel *NOT*).
The original script had so much REAL Godzilla happenings that I’m surprised Toho themselves didn’t grab it up. You definitely need to read this script (script no longer available). It seriously kicks so much ass. There was actually a typical Godzilla story! Imagine that!
The script even had an impressive nod to the original Godzilla (badly dubbed into English by people who have no clue what they’re doing). There is a moment when a man is reporting to his superiors and the audio kicks out, the radio man tries to fix it and creates a delay that makes it look like a badly dubbed tape. Brilliant!
Godzilla ’98 just goes to prove my long standing point that Hollywood ruins movies! Look at our past history folks, for every good movie out of Hollywood’s doors there are 50 or more true pieces of dog shit.
I nearly lost my lunch in Godzilla ’98 (that’s how bad it sucked), but when I read the script I was ecstatic! I love the script. It rocks. And I’m going to tell Terry Rossio that.
Mr. Rossio, on behalf of the American movie going public I’d like to apologize for the brutal butchering of your beautiful script. It was wrong and should have never happened. I hope you can forgive us and take this essay as a small comfort that not all of us are brain dead morons who allow events like this to pass unaffected.”
The postscript for this diatribe was this:
Join the Anti-bad movie movement!
Under my name, I added this:
(movie goer and public defender of decency)
See the original review here.
That should give you an idea of the negative reviews I am capable of. I’ll have a positive one for tomorrow.
William, the Movie Nerdfighter
movie goer and public defender of decency