Archive for the ‘Negative Reviews’ Category

G.I. Joe: A Real Hollywood Screw-Up

August 8, 2009

The following review contains spoilers, if you plan to see this movie and don’t want it ruined for you, please be advised and come back to this particular review after you’ve seen it.

While I really love the fact that Hollywood has decided to take on all of my childhood favorites, I really wish they’d have a little respect for the established history.

G.I. Joe has a ton of history behind it.  Admittedly, the various cartoons and comics have rewritten it over the years, but the writers of the new Rise of Cobra decided that the only truly important history was Destro’s (honestly, I’m just glad they cast someone who could actually play Scottish, and Chris Eccleston is great in the part) and the Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow rivalry (well, one version of it).  One of my main issues was all the character alterations.  If you’re going to change a character that much, why not just make a new one instead?

Prime example, the Baroness is no longer Austrian, but American, and we find out early on that she and Duke were romantically involved.  Was this really necessary?  Both the change in nationality and the affections for Duke.  Really, it felt more like a James Bond story line…

…well, EVERY James Bond story line.

There’s plenty of eye-popping action, and the basic plot did feel like a typical G.I. Joe cartoon episode.

Ray Park was perfect as Snake Eyes, but what’s with the mouth on the rubber mask?  Was that made by the same ass who put nipples on the batsuit?  And apparently, this version of Snake Eyes just took a vow of silence instead of having his vocal chords damaged saving his teammates (the Marvel Comics origin).  Also, the writer’s went for the childhood rivalry angle between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow.

A good chunk of the plot deals with Cobra’s use of nanobots (called nanomites in the movie).  As much as I like the idea of nanobots in science fiction, it seems to have become a crutch for writers these days.  How can we make Zartan a TRUE master of disguise?  Nanobots!  How can we make Cobra soldiers expendable and 100% loyal?  Nanobots!  And the big one, how can we give Destro a metal face?  Nanobots!!

Hey, you guys do realize the only reason the lips on Destro’s mask moved in the cartoon was because the animators realized how pointless drawing a motionless mask would be.  It was completely unnecessary to actually give him a metal face!  Just put him in the mask, the audience will understand.

Oh yeah, and what’s the deal with writers wanting to turn EVERY villain into Darth Vader?  Cobra Commander was not horribly disfigured requiring a life-support system in either the cartoon OR the comic.  In fact, in the comic he was a used car salesman who became fed up with the U.S. government and turned to terrorism.  This, for me, is a much better story.  He wore the metal mask to conceal his identity (also, I was always a fan of the cloth mask, much more terrifying), nothing else.

The writers also decided to make the Commander more like Dr. Mindbender (who does appear, but briefly) by making him more of the mad scientist running his experiments with nanomites.  Question: If you’re smart enough to make these nanomites that can create a metal face, or make another face completely malleable, why can’t they fix your own horrible disfigurement?  I mean, isn’t that the point of nanobots?

The movie is fun, with a ton of good action, decent character development (regardless of the skewed history), with some EXTREMELY cheesy dialogue, and some questionable C.G. at points.

This movie is about what I expected, maybe a little better.  I lost a lot of faith in it when those “accelerator suits” were first revealed.  In the initial trailer, I thought those were going to be B.A.Ts (Cobra’s Battle Android Troopers).  I was sadly mistaken.  At least they weren’t a major part of the story.

It’s watchable, but I don’t know if it’s worth spending $8 or $9 bucks on.  I don’t often say this, but wait for the DVD.


William, the Movie Nerdfighter

who knows he takes established continuity a little too seriously because writers need  the freedom to create, but wonders if it’s really that difficult to follow.

Comic Book Movies Part 02: The Dork Knights

September 1, 2008

In episode 2, originally posted on July 22, 2008, we deal specifically with Batman after seeing “The Dark Knight”.

Download this episode (106 min)

William, Jason, and Seth discuss the Batman phenomena from the 60s live action show all the way up to “The Dark Knight”.

Comic Book Movies Part 01: Rise of the Movie Nerdfighter

September 1, 2008

My friend Jason and I started a podcast where we talk movies and other stuff.  The first two episodes were all about comic book movies.  The first one was posted on March 13, 2008.  Now that this blog is up, I’m going to repost both of them, and all subsequent podcasts, here as well.

Download this episode (82 min)


William (the Movie Nerdfighter) and Jason talk about comic book movies in the first episode of the 5 Regular Guys new podcast: Movie Talk!

This is the first, trial episode. Please pardon our progress…

Godzilla ’98, What Went Wrong?

August 26, 2008

To kick things off, here is the first movie review I posted to the Media Blitzkrieg website back on April 7th, 2001:

“I’m sure by now that most of you out there have seen the American attempt at Godzilla, Godzilla ’98 (as I call it, to keep it from being confused with the true Godzilla movies).

I have only one question: What the fuck went wrong?

I mean really, what was that incredible piece of shit that I wasted my 5 bucks on (that’s close to what tickets cost back home when it came out)?

The script (the one we didn’t see on the screen) was written by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio. I’ve just finished reading the final draft of this script and IT ROCKS. Honestly, see for yourself (if you can still find the script online).

I think I know what went wrong between the script stage and the screen, I’ll try and break it down for you.

First and foremost, there were problems finding a director. From what I’ve heard, Jan Du Bont was originally going to do it with Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt. He decided not to and took his talent to another big budget, special effects, man versus big fucking unstoppable natural force movie Twister (a movie which I think was fairly decent).

Many other directors were considered until Roland Emmerich came upon the film (y’know, the Independence Day schmuck). He said yeah and that’s when the film went to shit.

And why is that you ask? Hmm, it might have something to do with a guy named Matthew Broderick (Bueller, Bueller, Bueller). Now I have nothing against Broderick (hell, I even liked Inspector Gadget), but what the fuck was he doing in a Godzilla movie? He belongs in comedies and family oriented movies, not big budget action/adventure films (he ain’t no Ahnold ya know).

The rest of the cast was kinda weak too. There were two bright points in the cast; Hank Azaria (Mystery Men,Mad About You, every other voice in The Simpsons), and Jean Reno (Mission Impossible,Leon: The Professional, and most recently Just Visiting). Hank Azaria is great for comic relief. He’s hilarious and is a great voice guy (it’s hard to know what he really sounds like). And Jean Reno is just fucking awesome! He’s a great actor, and he stole every scene from Broderick (“I’m in insurance,” sure ya are).

Whoever reworked the story for Godzilla ’98 should be taken out into the streets of Japan and stomped by the REAL Godzilla.

What the fuck was all that scientific explanation? We don’t need it you fuckin’ dumbass! It’s a Godzilla movie for chrissakes (science is just a formality in Godzilla, everybody knows that)! AND SINCE WHEN DOES GODZILLA LAY FUCKING EGGS!!!

I can almost imagine the studio when they read that (sniff, sniff, I smell sequel *NOT*).

The original script had so much REAL Godzilla happenings that I’m surprised Toho themselves didn’t grab it up. You definitely need to read this script (script no longer available). It seriously kicks so much ass. There was actually a typical Godzilla story! Imagine that!

The script even had an impressive nod to the original Godzilla (badly dubbed into English by people who have no clue what they’re doing). There is a moment when a man is reporting to his superiors and the audio kicks out, the radio man tries to fix it and creates a delay that makes it look like a badly dubbed tape. Brilliant!

Godzilla ’98 just goes to prove my long standing point that Hollywood ruins movies! Look at our past history folks, for every good movie out of Hollywood’s doors there are 50 or more true pieces of dog shit.

I nearly lost my lunch in Godzilla ’98 (that’s how bad it sucked), but when I read the script I was ecstatic! I love the script. It rocks. And I’m going to tell Terry Rossio that.

Mr. Rossio, on behalf of the American movie going public I’d like to apologize for the brutal butchering of your beautiful script. It was wrong and should have never happened. I hope you can forgive us and take this essay as a small comfort that not all of us are brain dead morons who allow events like this to pass unaffected.”

The postscript for this diatribe was this:

Join the Anti-bad movie movement!

Under my name, I added this:

(movie goer and public defender of decency)


See the original review here.

That should give you an idea of the negative reviews I am capable of.  I’ll have a positive one for tomorrow.



William, the Movie Nerdfighter

movie goer and public defender of decency